Finding Fault

It would be easy to blame you for doing what you have done. Whether it was fully acted on or not doesn’t really matter. I completely lost trust and found that it was justified to at least some extent. Thinking about it though, I can’t really blame you. I am an angry jerk who pushed you away with the things I said. I tried to correct it and make things better but you just claimed you didn’t see me do anything. I tried talking to you and be understanding. I tried telling you what was going on and just felt like you didn’t care and that I was bothering you. Well, at that point I lost any interest in trying any more. What was the point? I had made all the mistakes that could never be made up for with you. Therefore all the fault is mine. I accept that. It doesn’t make me any less hurt or disappointed with what you have done but oh well. I’ll get over this soon enough. I had hopes for this so long ago but it never came anywhere near what it should have. I guess I’m the one who needs to change everything about myself.

And that’s that

All the happiness. All the kisses. All the loving looks. All the memories. All the days together. All the good. All the future.

Gone.

Liar

 

Looks like you proved all those things I said wrong. Huh?

Awakening

I gotten so little sleep the night before. We were out late, seeing a show for her birthday. It was a very good night. So this night I went to bed early. I read a little and decided to try to get to sleep. She was out at a meeting and I felt a little put off because in a rush she hadn’t said good bye. It happens and is no big deal but I feel a little empty if I don’t get to tell her good night.

I was in a dead sleep when I thought I heard my name. I looked up in a sleepy daze and there she was standing over me. “Can you help me get the dryer to work? I’m sorry to wake you up.”

The dryer is on a circuit breaker that is a little touchy. Sometimes it just goes and needs to be reset. I had shown her how to fix it but she couldn’t get it work. I could tell by her look that she had really tried and the last thing she wanted to do was wake me up. She may have thought I would get mad or crabby about being woken up but seeing her beautiful face was all I needed to see.

I dressed and walked downstairs. I went to the panel and switched the breaker off and on a couple times. The dryer started up and the problem was fixed. She thanked me and apologized over and over. I just kissed her.

I looked at her beautiful eyes. I held her soft , warm body next to me and kissed her again. It made me forget all about how tired I was. It made me feel like there was nothing in the world to worry me. Just a kiss from her can make me feel that way. And with that, I laid down and slept. I have felt the joy from those kisses all day today and I couldn’t be happier.

9/9/9

It was her birthday again and after failing so miserably last year I tried to not let that happen again. I seem to have to do alot of that but it is necessary. I am making a effort to change how do things. an effort to make things better and the way they should be. It seemed to help. I hope I can keep it up. She seemed happier and seemed to appreciate the effort. It made me happy that she was happy like it always does. I’ve only brought the hard times on myself through stubbornness and stupidity. I’ll make an effort to improve each day. A little promise to myself. Keep it simple and continue to love her like she has deserved for so long. We’ll both be happy then.

Un beso

When August comes I am always reminded of that first month we spent together. I looked at the calendar this morning and saw that this is the last day of July. We had already met once but in a group setting and didn’t interact one on one at all. We had emailed. We had texted. Lately the texts had gotten very frequent. It had built to the point that we were going to meet. I had to go to Boston on business and would return early on Friday. We would go out that night for a drink or two.

I was a little late due to not being able to find a place to park. I was nervous and excited too the point of having weak knees. When I walked in, she and her friend were sitting at the closest table to the door. She looked even more beautiful than the last time I saw her or from the few pictures that had come across email. She came around the table and gave me a hug. I wasn’t expecting that but it made me feel special right away.

We had a few drinks, went to another bar and had a few more. The waiter at the second place asked if we were married. We laughed at that. Even funnier now because we are. I knew then that I wanted that. She was smart, beautiful and full of energy. I’ve never gotten over the feeling that I am not worthy of such a special woman.

It was time to leave so I walked them back to her car. About when we got to the car her friend received a call and walked off a bit to talk while we said our good byes. And then I kissed her. Our first kiss was long and wonderful and unforgettable. When it was over she started to walk away, when I grasped her arm and pulled her back to kiss her again.  

I can’t pass the spot without thinking about it. I’ve wanted to kiss her over and over again, all day every day. The small pecks leave me wanting more as do the long passionate kisses. This was all only two years ago today, but I’ll be wanting the same thirty years from now. There is nothing in the world better then a kiss from my sweet love.

Seasons

That bare tree survived the cold winter that wasn’t as long and cold as it might have been. The leaves came back and the tree towered in glory of the summer sun. He looked out and saw that tree seemed to be closer. It was shady underneath and beautiful to gaze at from the distance.

It was when this tree had reached it’s most majestic that he would find himself standing below it, axe in hand, chopping away at the base. Why would he be trying to destroy this one joy and comfort? Ruining what he had so longed to see again. He didn’t know and would immediately be filled with regret and guilt. Days would go by. Uneventful days. And then… there he was again, below the tree, chopping.

He would sit and brood, telling himself that it was so simple to not be there. “Just don’t get the axe and cut at the tree.” Simple, easy. But it wasn’t. He needed help. He is seeking it now, desperately. Whether the tree will heal or not from the damage done is what time will tell. Impatience and self doubt will fill his time until the answer in known but he will do all he knows how to bring that day as soon as he can.

…. and short of it

I’m in love with a girl named Rachel.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

The long

Today, many people focus on the one they love. I can do no different.

She praises me loudly and publicly, which makes me feel very special. 

When we are alone she does the same.

The good times far out number the not so good. I hope she sees it the same way.

Every day I look forward to seeing her smile or hear her voice.

I look forward to every day.

I look back and smile on all the days we have had together.

I love to watch her walk. 

All those little gifts that were left on my porch.

Every time I hear the text tone on my phone.

I can’t wait to read her latest blog or get a new comment.

Her intelligence, her patience, her caring.

Our relationship is more than any list though. There are little things and big things that we enjoy together. We enjoy looking back on past happy times but also looking to the future which I believe is going to be very happy.  All of this can’t be itemized or categorized. It is a complete package. It is whole. It is very important to me. So I try do this everyday. Focus on my Rachel .

Just Because

Tomorrow may be Valentine’s Day, which I’m sure will be a great day, but two days ago something happened that meant very much to me. Rachel and I were sitting and watching TV, when she handed me a bag. Inside the bag was a card and two DVDs. These happened to be DVDs replacing some I had “lost” earlier this year. It was an extremely thoughtful and generous gift. The card was perfect, like it always is, and supplemented with her sweet words. I asked what the occasion was and she told me it was “just because”. 

It was the next day when started to realize the meaning of what had happened. I found myself trying to remember the last time I  received a “just because” gift like this. I couldn’t recall.

This kindness was another in the long list of those that Rachel has given to me. Many of these are small, simple acts that show me much about what this relationship means to her. She often goes out of her way to do these things. I want her to know I truly appreciate it. I hope I can return the kindness and then some.  Thank you, Rachel, on Valentine’s Day and every other day. I love you, Rachel.

What I Love

It’s been a while since I have written anything. Maybe because life has been so good. So I thought I would give so reasons why it has been so good.

I love looking into your eyes while you smile back at me.  And then I especially love the way you shyly look away and hide your face in my chest.

I love when you lay your legs on me when we watch TV together.

I love the way your long fingers softly move across my arm. The way they move through my hair.

I love how happy you get when I leave a card and flowers in your door. I only wish I could be there and see the look on your face.

I love thinking about you as I lay down to sleep and when I first wake up in the morning. Oh, and pretty much during everything I do all day long.

I love when you call me My Love, Daniel, or schmoopie.

I love when you ask me to give you the back so you can hold me.

I love when you let me take care of you.

I love waking up in the morning next to you, watching you sleep, seeing those eyes open and look back at me.

I love hearing your voice whether on the phone or right next to me.

I love seeing you in that new dress.

I love thinking about everything we’ve done together and I love thinking about everything we will do.

Most of all I love loving you.